My arse had it's own postcode

Oh my gawd.

I found pictures I took of myself the day before my surgery 9 months ago. They are positively hideous. I wish I was exaggerating but I’m not. I wish I could be brave enough to post them for your viewing pleasure. But I just can’t bring myself to do it for the shame of it. Maybe after I’ve shaved a couple more kilos off my frame and I may very well find the courage to do so. We can all but hope. They will frighten you. Guaranteed. Let’s just say there was no bloody wonder I felt awkward in my body and definitely would explain why I could only fit a few articles of clothing in my wardrobe … I was positively bursting out of my body seams! Let me try and paint you a picture. I stood there in only a pair of knickers and a bra for one lot of shots; jeans and a tight fitting t-shirt for the second lot. I had doughy, deathly white, deeply dimpled thighs. My legs were huge … I don’t recall it but I surely must’ve waddled instead of walked. My arse was wide, flat and had it’s own postcode. My gut protruded out much farther than my boobs. I looked all squished together in the trunk and hip area … rather like I had been concertinaed together … I had absolutely no waist to speak of. I had massive rolls of fat on my back – just above my waist – big lardy handles which were an obvious indication of my gluttony. I wish someone had used them to restrain me from walking down the confectionery aisle of the supermarket. I had a significant double chin. My cheeks were chubbier than a cherub’s. I looked miserable. I remember feeling miserable. I also remember standing there as the self-timer mode went off on the camera praying that the surgery would end up helping me successfully lose weight. I couldn’t stand myself.

**Ching ching – 9 months later**

I am now a definite size 14. Consistently. In every high street shop in London. It still surprises me. I started out as a size 18-22. Nowadays, when I hold up a pair of size 18 jeans it shocks me. They look huge. How did I ever let myself get that lardy? It took a helluva lot of material to cover my arse back then!

I bought my very first ever full length mirror a couple of weeks ago. The main reason was because I was having trouble noticing and appreciating the changes that are happening with my body. As I’ve mentioned before, I still sometimes think I’m 96.4kg. Since the purchase of “The Mirror”, I now make a point of looking at myself at least once a day … whether I be naked, in underwear or fully clothed it doesn’t matter … I just find that I need to stand there for a minute or two to appreciate and acknowledge the changes that have and continue to happen to my little bod. I’m sure it will take me quite some time to really believe I am smaller than I see myself in my mind’s eye. But before you panic, I can assure you I won’t ever become as deluded as an anorexic who stands there with bones clearly poking out of her skin thinking “God, I’m fat”. You see, I love my curves. Just want to downsize them another size or two. Okay, two if we’re being honest.