It's weird.
In my head I KNOW my body has changed significantly over the past 6 months. I mean, for the love of all things holy, I have dropped nearly 20kg. Not something to be sneezed at. But ...
I still have days where I feel yuck and lardy in my own skin. I feel like nothing has changed ... that I am still a hefty 96.4kg. I feel like a huge failure. I feel like my bloody body isn't playing fair. And I revert to previous habits ... like having an intimate knowledge of family size block of chocolate. For shame. Admittedly, these episodes are now very few and far between ... all the same, when it happens it rocks me to the core.
This week has been stressful. My job has been extremely intense and, most unusual for me, I have taken patient problems home with me ... I have found myself laying in the dark mulling stuff over in my head and turning myself into knots. On top of this - or probably because of this! - I have had incredible back and sciatic pain for the last two days (today I sported the uber sexy 'Dick Wicks' magnetic back brace under my work pants ... I felt like a complete freak and had to pee like a pregnant woman all day because the brace was pushing directly onto my bladder!). Because of the back pain and worry ... I haven't slept for two nights. And because of my poorly back and lack of energy, I haven't been to the gym or yoga in two days. I feel rather blah. It's been a bit of a vicious circle really.
On Tuesday, I found myself really struggling with my body image. As I stood in front of the mirror in the yoga studio stretching and pushing my body hard ... instead of appreciating how hard my body was working, I started picking fault with it. All I could see were these lardy tricep wings. Like two doughy loaves of bread hanging down as I got into the warrior position. I glanced around the room and all I saw were lovely sculpted arms. My heart sunk. I then bent forward into the triangle pose to stretch my hamstrings ... and I couldn't help but notice the muscle bunching on my back (due to my scoliosis). It looked repulsive (but which, to be fair, has improved since I started to yoga but will obviously never be completely normal). My heart sunk even further. After class, in the crowded change room, fraught with bras and panties, bare bottoms and bobbing bossoms ... I snuck a peek at my fellow yoga comrades. I envied the pert bottoms, flat stomachs and perky breasts with nipples located where God intended them. It only served to make me feel wretched. My bum is wide but flat. It's starting to get a little roundness going but it's never going to rival J.Lo. My stomach on the other hand, continues to be round ... I know it's shrinking but is it ever going to be flat? Am I ever going to be able to wear a string bikini or tiny g-string without having a roll that prevents the skimpy material from sitting flat on my body? Hey, do you think God made me the wrong way around? You know, flat bum and round tummy ... when it should be the other way?! Bugger. And then there's my boobs. They rival those of an African tribeswoman who has never worn a bra for a day in her life ... mine, however, have been bound and gagged since they appeared and yet they have sagged terribly. I can't even blame the sag on having fed the hungry mouths of babes. Gravity just got hold of my ta-ta's and has steadfastily refused to let go. I would so love to have perky not pendulous breasts. The ever gorgeous Rob has said to me if I feel at the end of the weight loss parlava, I'd like my boobs to be augmented/lifted, he'd cough up. Well baby, you'd better just start saving!
So, in a nut shell (Help! I'm in a nutshell! - Austin Powers) I have had a blah week.
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