Crutch = chocolate

Yesterday was an intense day.

I needed a crutch - the ole emotional crutch. Chocolate.

Yes - I have managed to inhale a whole block of family chocolate over the past two days. It's without a doubt a disappointing relapse into past life behaviour. I know I shouldn't excuse it but right now I am going to honour how I feel and how I reacted.

Yesterday I witnessed my patient go into cardiac & respiratory distress during a home visit. One minute I was conducting a consultation and the next I find myself in an emergency situation - calling the ambulance and attempting to keep my patient calm. A solitary ambulance officer turns up to assist. For half an hour, I change occupations and become an ambo. I then spend 3 hours in the hospital assisting with the admission & silently praying .. no, in actual fact, begging God to grant my patient more time on this earth. All I wanted right at that moment was for him to make it.

He did but I swear it was just by the skin of his teeth.

I left the hospital exhausted - in every sense of the word.

I fell apart in the carpark after being the consummate professional during the drama; as the most important thing during those few hours was providing support to my patient and his wife both physically and emotionally. I will admit I cried for the hour's drive from one town to the next.

I still had patients to see. I complete my remaining consultations with no emotional go-go juice in the tank; forgetting my diary, my appointment cards & the mobile phone which are the basic tools I tote around with me.

I stopped off for a kick arse block of chocolate on the way to the motel and did an impressive job of devouring it before I even consciously registered what I was doing.

Life is just so very fragile ... let's just say this was the reality check I needed to love life all the more.

Eating, exercising & finding love supermodel style

If I was a supermodel my diet would either be:

a) something macro-biotic & TOTALLY organic; and would essentially be a complete pain in the arse to prepare

b) air, cigarettes, carrot sticks & champagne or

c) nothing - eating is for normal people

If I was a supermodel my exercise regime would be either:

a) an algae wrap applied 20 hours a day as it TOTALLY works for ridding the body of fat & cellulite

b) second daily manicure & pedicures or

c) 23 hard core hours of intense personal training, yoga & pilates a day (being able to do anything productive in a day is over rated)

If I was a supermodel finding love would be a walk in the park as I could choose from:

a) my manager

b) my publicist or

c) a gillion hard core followers

But as I'm not a supermodel (I've only made it to Australia's Next Top Model at this time), my diet is a bit hodge podge from all the time I spend travelling. The amount I eat is relatively small but it could in all honesty be much more nutritious. My milk intake has crept up again (I have managed to all but scrap flavoured milk from my diet which is a really big achievement); however, I am gulping down an incredible number of lattes and milkshakes when I'm on the road as it's 'easy'. I know I need to get back to writing my meals/drinks down in my faithful old notebook to keep track of things. It helps me see patterns and to understand my weight loss, gain or stall.

My non-supermodel exercise regime has included bike riding, hill climbing and running/walking. In the last week I haven't been able to do quite as much as I'd like due to some wretched, wretched back/hip pain. But today I got out for what was meant to be a 30 min walk but ended up being a 50min walk/run. It occurred to me today that I am no longer able to go for just a walk anymore. For the past 3 months I have thrown in a run at some stage during my 'walk' because it feels good & because I feel fit. I can now run without my heart rate going tachycardic! My maximum heart rate when running is 180 bpm. Still ridiculous but for me it's a huge improvement.

And unfortunately, because I'm not a supermodel I am contemplating joining an internet dating site to meet a man. I have checked out the 'free' sites and I'm not super impressed. So - this leaves me with the decision to either leave meeting someone to fate or to take the bull by the horns & join a dating site. If I am going to join an internet dating site I'm leaning towards eHarmony; it's a little expensive ($110 - 3 month membership) but I know I need to put myself out there and can't see any other way. It's been nearly two years since my last significant ... actually since any ... relationship. It's time. My decision has been spurred on following meeting three (married!) men recently who were shocked to learn that I am not married or dating. It was very sweet and confronting to be asked: "Why on earth are you single?!". When I think about it - I know my singleness has nothing to do with me as a person - who I am or what I look like - and everything to do with the available opportunities/places to meet men! So, here's to gaining the courage to take action!

:: INSPIRE2 ::

Every week I travel 2-3 days a week to provide therapy services to a couple of small town communities. On average this gives me 5 1/2 hrs to sing (cause I am Australian Idol) and chair dance (in the way 'So You Think You Can Dance' can never will!). Each time I am in the car I simply have to listen to the Baz Lurhman's Sunscreen Speech at least once (but being truthful it's moare like three or four times!) - it inspires me.

For your reading pleasure and inspiration, here are the words to the song:

Ladies and Gentlemen of the class of 99...

Wear sunscreen

If I could offer you only one tip for the future, sunscreen would be it. The long term benefits of sunscreen have been proved by scientists, whereas the rest of my advice has no basis more reliable than my own meandering experience. I will dispense this advice now.

Enjoy the power and beauty of your youth; oh never mind; you will not understand the power and beauty of your youth until they have faded. But trust me, in 20 years you’ll look back at photos of yourself and recall in a way you cant grasp now how much possibility lay before you and how fabulous you really looked...

You’re not as fat as you imagine.

Don’t worry about the future; or worry, but know that worrying is as effective as trying to solve an algebra equation by chewing bubblegum. The real troubles in your life are apt to be things that never crossed your worried mind; the kind that blindside you at 4pm on some idle Tuesday.

Do one thing everyday that scares you.

Sing.

Don’t be reckless with other peoples hearts, don’t put up with people who are reckless with yours.

Floss.

Don’t waste your time on jealousy; sometimes you’re ahead, sometimes you’re behind...the race is long, and in the end its only with yourself.

Remember the compliments you receive, forget the insults; if you succeed in doing this, tell me how.

Keep your old love letters; throw away your old bank statements.

Stretch.

Don’t feel guilty if you don’t know what to do with your life...the most interesting people I know didn’t know at 22 what they wanted to do with their lives, some of the most interesting 40 year olds I know still don’t.

Get plenty of calcium.

Be kind to your knees, you’ll miss them when they’re gone.

Maybe you’ll marry, maybe you wont, maybe you’ll have children, maybe you wont, maybe you’ll divorce at 40, maybe you’ll dance the funky chicken on your 75th wedding anniversary...what ever you do, don’t congratulate yourself too much or berate yourself either - your choices are half chance, so are everybody else’s.

Enjoy your body, use it every way you can...don’t be afraid of it, or what other people think of it, its the greatest instrument you’ll ever own.

Dance...even if you have nowhere to do it but in your own living room.

Read the directions, even if you don’t follow them.

Do NOT read beauty magazines, they will only make you feel ugly.

Get to know your parents. You’ll never know when they’ll be gone for good.

Be nice to your siblings; they are the best link to your past and the people most likely to stick with you in the future.

Understand that friends come and go, but for the precious few you should hold on. Work hard to bridge the gaps in geography in lifestyle because the older you get, the more you need the people you knew when you were young.

Travel.

Accept certain inalienable truths, price will rise, politicians will philander, you too will get old, and when you do you’ll fantasize that when you were young prices were reasonable, politicians were noble and children respected their elders.

Respect your elders.

Don’t expect anyone else to support you. Maybe you have a trust fund, maybe you have a wealthy spouse; but you never know when either one might run out.

Don’t mess too much with your hair, or by the time its 40, it will look 85.

Be careful who advice you buy, but be patient with those who supply it. Advice is a form of nostalgia, dispensing it is a way of fishing the past from the disposal, wiping it off, painting over the ugly parts and recycling it for more than its worth.

But trust me on the sunscreen...

... And that's almost a triathlon ...

15km bike ride: check (a compulsory breakfast & coffee stop half way!)

5km run: check (it was a grass run and was nearly the end of me - grass running kicks your arse in comparison to road running)

1km swim: have put bathers, goggles, fins & kick board in car - if thinking it in your head counts as done; then you're looking at a supreme athlete who managed her own little mini triathlon this weekend (well almost)! Swimming as a kick arse activity is now back on the agenda - it's warmer and I could easily manage a 1/2 hr swim in during lunch time a couple of times a week when I'm in town as work isn't too far from the public pool.

And in case you're wondering ... triathlon-ic activities were performed during a 48 hr period rather than the conventional 2 hrs (why be conventional I say?!). Miss Dee is proud to announce that no people, small children or animals were injured at any point during activities (which is amazing considering my bike riding skills!).

****

Running challenge: day 4 & 5

10 minute run; 25 minute fast walk both days - one run was a road run (moderate exertion but felt relatively easy - max heart rate: 175bpm); the second was the above mentioned grass run (maximum exertion; quite a hard run - max heart rate: 189bpm).

85 days to go! Although I may slightly alter the challenge to have a couple more rest days than is scheduled to accommodate my back & knee problems which may mean I finish the program in 120 days - it' still exciting though!

Oh, and running shoes were purchased yesterday. I felt like I almost had to make a deal with the devil to afford to purchase the damn things though. The price? $269.95! I know! I too had to lie down when she told me the price (there may also may have been some rocking in the fetal position) ... but gosh do they feel good and I have to keep my knees happy (bossy little bastards they are!).

Blogs, apologies & day 3

I have occasionally wondered if anyone reads my blog. Admittedly, I picked an obscure blog name when I commenced blogging in a bid to remain anonymous - mainly because I was scared of failing so spectacularly that I didn't want too many people to know. I now quietly regret the blog name choice as I have stumbled across so many people out there considering lap band surgery and desperately seeking information, support and answers to curious questions who could do with the support from an old hat bandster (now 3 years!). But I am impossible to find! So, if you have happened upon this blog ... let me give you some other excellent blogs to check out.

Firstly, my friend Bunny (the only blogger I know personally!) was blogging about her routine weight loss efforts and then continued in this same vain with her lap banding adventures from 2007. I happened to meet Bunny at a dodgey, dodgey follow up clinic in London. I will never forget the night she called me amid a serious choking episode - she had rung me to ask me what had happened to me when I experienced something similar (a good 6 hour choke if I recall correctly!); it was a privilege to support a fellow bandster. I also have fond memories of sitting in Starbucks cheering her on as she struggled to get enough restriction in her band - which ended up being disconnected from the port (hence the no restriction!) and requiring her to have a second surgery to replace the system. This woman is as risilient as they come. She perseveres regardless of the dramas that unfold in her life and what the band throws at her. Bunny is as solid as a rock.

I recently came across Myf's blog which is great! She recently got married & was the beautiful, radiant bride everyone hopes to be on their wedding day. You MUST check out her pictures - she has made remarkable changes to the point you do a cartoon double take.

A couple of other sassy blogs I must make mention of include:

• http://daggs2shaggs.blogspot.com/
• http://chroniclesfrombandland.blogspot.com/
• http://mylapbandblog.blogspot.com/

I know there is a fancy way of adding these blogs into the sidebar thing of my blog but that's waaaay to technical for me ... so from time to time; me thinks I'll just do a shout out of all my favourite blogs!

***

RUNNING CHALLENGE: day 3 (10 minute run & 20 minute walk)

It felt a little hard to run today; my left knee niggled and the right side of my lower back twinged. It is a clear indication that I HAVE to replace my runners - all the shock absorption is gone which isn't aiding my cause. ** Note to self: be sure to purchase ridiculously priced pair of runners this weekend ** And just to add to the above pains, my chest and arms were caning after the upper body workout yesterday. I have been the source of entertainment for my colleagues today as I am unable to lift my arms very high or away from my body; so tasks such as answering the phone and pouring the kettle required rather creative solutions to execute the task. That being said, pause for just a second and imagine the pain I was in when I had to pump my arms to run. Oh. My. Gawd! It felt like my breasts had grasped and lifted the weights! The pain is pretty much everywhere above my navel! Aaah, the price I must pay to be Australia's Next Top Model.

***

PS. Myf - thank you for your recent comments; I did publish all your comments today but for some reason the comment attached to my INSPIRE post did not show up! Many apologies.