A year without Nan-ma

The 26th marked one year since my grandma lost her two and a half year battle with cancer.

On Friday, I stood on the river bank in Zurich and thought about her.

How happy she would've been with me travelling - seeing the world and experiencing all she'd talked to me about in excited tones first hand.

How she would be absolutely champing at the bit to see my pictures (and very probably the ONLY person who would look at EVERY picture with more than a cursory glance!).

How she would be quietly boasting to her Gir! Guide posse about my most recent career achievements.

How proud she would be of me, generally - of how far I've come and how much I've changed from that scared young woman who boarded a plane for Saudi Arabia headed into the unknown.

I loved her for what she inspired me to do. I loved her for her wisdom. I loved her for her utter belief in me. I loved her cause she was my Nan-ma. I will always love her and think of her often.

I will never be able to read an article about Gir! Guides (unbelievably, there was an article in the Metr* today that stated that 2/3 of successful career women were either a Brown!e or Gir! Guide when they were younger. Grandma loved to spout it's virtues!) or listen to Michael Buble without thinking of my grandma.

Here's to you Nan-ma.

PS. I'm learning Mah-jong in your honour
PPS. I'm still pretty crap though!

Green

I’m green. And not in the sense of eco-friendly. Nor from being afflicted with some form of motion sickness. But rather with envy.

I’m jealous. Dead jealous. There. I said it.

Why? Well, this week my darling, long time friend sent me some pictures of herself. She has lost 50kg+. On her own, I might add – no gimmicks, no frills just sheer guts (no pun intended) and determination despite having two small children who demand much of her time.

I knew she’d lost this unbelievable amount of weight but until you see it with your own eyes you simply cannot imagine it. She sent me a picture to give me an idea of what she looks like these days. There is nothing left of her. She’s so tiny.

In the past, we had a crack at losing weight together when we were sharing a house. Mind you, neither of us were terribly successful at that point in time. But now, well, she’s a roaring success. I feel slightly like a failure.

It’s hard to articulate why.

We are about the same height and currently I’m about 5kg lighter than her. Yet I still look big compared to her. I looked at myself in the mirror the other night and was brutally honest with myself. I am still carrying substantial weight on my lower stomach, inner thighs and underarms. As I stood there staring at myself, my mind’s eye saw the picture of my friend and I found myself feeling very disappointed with me and my body. I am still a big girl really. I’m just envious. I simply don’t look as good as she does.

We have both worked hard and sacrificed a lot to get to where we are but it seems I am all too human and always want more. Or what others have. I know I touted in my last post that I am cool with not necessarily achieving the same weight loss numbers or low dress sizes as others who begun this journey with me have. But I guess when you get to the heart of it, I’m not. I feel like if I’d worked out harder, longer, more often. If I had forgone that dessert or skipped lunch more often, I too would be waif like at this very moment in time. Sigh.

Pure laziness, fatigue and/or cockiness has seen my exercise routine slip and my eating habits have become less than desirable.

But seeing your friend look like a minx in everyday clothes has spurred me on. I am determined to lose 5kgs before heading to the sun and white sand of Dubai at the end of November.

To make this a reality I have written down what exercise I plan to do which I both enjoy and that I know is effective for my body, which includes: running, spin classes, body pump and Bikram yoga.

I am going to make myself a little bento box of food every night to take to work with me so this will eliminate the temptation to grab snacks while on the run between hospitals.

All green envy aside, I would like to say a huge congratulations to my girlfriend for her amazing weight loss and her inspiration.

And that makes a year

So the one year anniversary of my band passed unceremoniously. No bells and whistles. No champagne toasts. No victory dances. It was just an ordinary day. With only the briefest moment devoted to remembering the significance of the date.

But, as promised, here is a summary of the inaugural year of Bandit Girl:

• My band is but a tool
• I have a love/hate relationship with it. There are days where I can’t imagine and don’t ever want to be without it. And there are others I curse it as I struggle to swallow a sip of water or a teaspoon of yoghurt
• It took 8 fills and £720 to get my band reasonably adjusted but not necessarily perfect
• My scars are all but faded
• I occasionally get port pain - especially if I'm doubled over for a while or slouching
• I lost a total of 25.3kg (55.7lbs) in one year
• My friend who had surgery the same day weighed more when we were being rolled in theatre but has lost more than I have (and is significantly smaller!) in the same time frame. Truthfully, I am sometimes envious. But then I give myself the proverbial kick, wish her every good thing and realize that everyone’s journey is unique. I now fully appreciate that each person’s body will respond differently. I am so thankful that the surgery and lifestyle changes have been this successful so far
• I would like to lose another 12-14kg (26.4-30.8lbs) … I don’t have a time frame in which to achieve this
• My BMI has dropped from 37.6 to 29
• I have lost 4 dress sizes – from a 22 to a 14 but bordering on a generous size 12 fit
• I’m not so small I don’t recognize myself – other people seem to think changes are dramatic
• My bra size has gone from a 42DD to a 32H
• When it comes to picking clothing items with the heinously vague sizing: S, M, L, XL .. I am now a medium
• I have given away 6 large black bin bags of clothes including an evening gown which cost me £160 … I never got to wear it … it still had it’s tags
• I have lost a shoe size
• I have discovered I have cheek & collar bones
• I have extremely small wrists and fingers
• Rob insists my head has got smaller … go figure
• I have less cellulite on my thighs – it’s still there but you now have to get up close and personal to witness it
• My boobs still droop but not nearly as much as they use to
• I no longer have an apron tummy but I will always have a bit of a rounded tummy – wash board abs will never be mine
• I lose a considerable amount of hair and tend to bruise easily if I don’t regularly take a multi-vitamin
• I take more pride and time in myself – regular hair and beauty appointments, purchasing quality make up and underwear that makes me feel like a goddess even in my unflattering work trousers
• I will more than likely have cosmetic surgery to tidy up the aftermath
• I cannot eat bread. Or muffins. Or chicken. Or steak. Or fries.
• I can only occasionally eat pasta
• More often than not I struggle with yoghurt
• What I can eat today does not necessarily mean I can eat tomorrow
• I have had two major, kick arse chokes in the past year
• These days I very rarely choke or spit/slime … but trust me, it took almost a year to get a handle on
• I am not always hungry but eat anyway
• I am still learning to listen to my body
• When relatively well adjusted, I eat about a cup/cup & a half of food at a time
• When I’m too tight, I’m lucky if I can eat two mouthfuls
• If I over eat, I get hiccups, sneezes, watery eyes or shoulder pain. Sometimes it can be a combination of all of these!
• Most of my medications and supplements have to be in liquid or dissolvable form otherwise they get stuck in the stoma which then feels like I’m having a heart attack
• On days I still struggle with eating too much chocolate
• Nutella does not constitute a food group
• I do drink the odd bubbly beverage – alcoholic not softdrink
• I can now run
• I enjoy kick arse yoga
• My body shape changes significantly when I am regularly running and doing yoga
• I now have room to move in an airline seat
• I occasionally go for a colonic to ensure that my bowels are healthy but generally speaking, I am regular in the elimination department. I don’t need laxatives.

I don't profess to be a completely reformed individual who follows all the rules to a 'T' but I have bumbled by and got some decent results.

I am still learning stuff.

But looking back - the ups, the downs, the good, the bad, the ugly - if I had to live life over, I would definitely have surgery all over again . It was the best decision I ever made.

Must have smart pants

Okay, all you smarty pants-es out there ... you win. I am sooo not good at this regular blogging gig ... as the lack of promised summary of my tumultous year may have suggested.

I swear I kept sitting down to write it (okay, well i at least thought about it often) but I never seemed to come up with the goods. There have been things to do or someone to catch up with ... that in itself, my friends, speaks volumes ... a far cry from how I use to be. Think, hermit. Think, insecure. Think, Ugly Betty without attitude. And that may be a close summation of all that I was. Now I'm dead disappointed if a mate pulls out of a social rendevous.

But aside from the blossoming social life. I have moved house. It has been a little stressful and time consuming but I must admit, it's nice to now have a proper one bedroom apartment. The whole studio apartment arrangement began to wear thin. 2 years of living in one room will make anyone find the extra cash for a plush pad! Admittedly, I have had some ongoing problems with the landlord not doing the bits and pieces to the property as promised. I had to send Rob into the landlord's office to quietly scare the be-jesus out of them to get stuff done! Shockingly girly but effective tactic.

I have also been applying for jobs in Oz. At one point I was spending every waking hour answering assessment criteria (literally five questions which you write a short essay on)... I nearly gave up it was so daunting! But my applications are in and now I just wait.

As for my weight. Not much is happening. I'm barely eating anything and have had to go for colonics just to get a proper bowel movement. Noice, huh?! So I have decided to go and have some fluid removed so I can get proper nutrition during this last push to get to my goal weight (whatever that actually is!).

So, ummm, that's it for now people. I wouldn't bank on another titillating installment for a week or two (I'm trying reverse psychology on myself!).

Bringing sexy back

Come now, possums, don't look so shocked. How 'bout you pretend I post regularly and I will forgo my grovelling apologies for my absence ...

But in the interests of good will to mankind, I thought I might post a couple of pictures to show the wee difference between a year ago and now. On the 19th July it will be a year since I found myself in a hysterical state on an operating table in Belgium. I am now almost 24kgs lighter. But I digress ... all you want is the pictures, huh?!

I must warn you though that the before pictures are hideous ... so, may I suggest if you're eating or scare easily please look away ... I wish I was being funny ...

Ahem ... ah, people, are you sure you're ready for this ... I'm not entirely certain I am ...

At the time I knew I felt uncomfortable in my own skin but I had no real perception of just how big I had ballooned. I had an 'apron' tummy and cottage cheese thighs. My scolosis is absolutely apparent.

Gawd, I look like a happy camper in the first of the clothed shots, huh?! ... but one must be mindful, when you're lumping around almost 97kg of weight on a tiny 5' 3" frame, there's not much to smile about.

And now, ladies and gentlemen, I'm bringing sexy back. I'm still about 15kgs off my target weight but I appreciate just how far I've come and how different I now feel.

I'm a very comfortable UK/Oz size 14 or a US size 10 ... sweeeeeet! These pictures were taken a couple of days ago when I attended a royal wedding in Qatar. I felt absolutely amazing in this dress .... so much so, that I didn't really want to take it off at the end of the night!

Breasts. What breasts?! As a matter of fact, I do love them very much.

So, on or around my one year band anniversary, I will endeavour to give a relatively condensed summary of the last year. There have been the typical highs & lows ... as well as adjustments (not only with the band but with my lifestyle!), frustrations and pleasant suprises.

I know you're all going to start making bets amongst yourselves about just how long said post will take to eventuate! You doubt me?! LOL!